Feeling overwhelmed is part of the routine when you divorce. You can go from one emotion to another without having time to process. The roller coaster is “on” most of the time. One of the question that everybody asks me is: How do I control my emotions? This is it, you don’t control your emotions because they have a lot to teach you about how you react. If we were to rephrase the questions it will be: How do I process my emotions? The pain or the hurt comes from the way you react to a situation, not from the situation itself. The way you react to your divorce is more important and significant than your divorce itself. To make it clear, the way you react has nothing to do with your divorce. Your emotional imprints are talking out loud. Your triggers are talking out loud. Your self-limiting beliefs are talking out loud. Your blockages are talking out loud. You only get triggered by the way you have been programmed to react. Mostly based on early childhood and emotional imprints. This might be a new perspective for you at the moment, and I want to invite you to be open to the idea. The good news is, this is the perfect timing to connect to all emotions arising. You can aim to understand more about yourself. In order not to prevent you from living the life you want. Remember, everything that happened in your life, it's an experience. It has nothing to do with who you are. We tend too much to identify ourselves with our experience, or stories. You must be able to learn from your emotions. You must acknowledge them and not hide them. This is another opportunity to get to know you. Ok, Eric, what do we do when you feel sad? When you feel angry? When you feel lonely? First, don’t make it mean anything about yourself. Don't create more stories than you already did in the past. It’s ok for me to be…………..(fill with the emotion) Ex: It’s ok for me to be angry. Breathe and acknowledge the emotion. See in which part of your body it’s connected. The body can store any of your emotions for years if they are not processed. Become an observer of your own emotions, and start a new inner dialog: What is the positive intention behind……..(fill with the emotion) What is it that I have to learn from………(fill with the emotion) Whatever comes to your mind is fine. And if nothing comes, it’s totally fine, you don’t have to answer any questions. The more important is to start the inner dialog that will shift the way you think. It’s the repetition of the dialog on a daily basis that will bring answers on its own timing. The breathing is also one of the most powerful tools. You can use it at any time of the day and especially when you get triggered. Breathe deeply and slowly. Inhale through your nose filling your body and belly, exhale through the mouth. You can imagine filling your body with positive inspiration. You can imagine releasing in the exhale what does not serve you. If you allow a space for your emotions to be present and to be felt with no resistance, most of the inner work is complete. You process the emotions and then release them. Then you can focus on the next crucial question: What it is that I rather want to experience now? Keep breathing. The more you connect to your emotions, the more you connect with how you rather want to feel. The more you will be able to shift your energy in a place of possibilities. The more you feel comfortable with the way you feel, the more you can make some new agreement with yourself. You are now able to transcend some limiting beliefs, and old habits. As I love to say, it's a practice that you can start now. Start to accept the way you feel as a catalyst, as a teacher, as a way to go through your life's experiences. Don’t let your emotions define who you are. There is no need to identify yourself with the emotions. Processing your emotions is a great starting point to heal. Do you have a comment, question or an inquiry? What support might you need? I’d love to help you! I get many notes and emails requests and I do read every single email that comes through. To get in touch, please feel free to email me at info@ericbensoussan.ca THE EXPERIENCE IS ONLY THE EXPERIENCE. I would like to point out that we have a strong tendency to believe that we know precisely who we are. That we control our experience by being certain of who we are, when in fact, a vast part of “who we think we are” has been programmed a certain way from our early childhood and as a result begins to be the subconscious track that plays in the background and becomes the script for how we ought to behave, and how we feel others ought to behave. We are under a spell called, “We will tell you what to do, what you should do, and who you are allowed†to be”. Through no fault of our own, we have largely been living under the influence of our parents, our teachers, our school environment, the places we lived, our culture and society, the expectations of others...etc. I truly ask you to consider the question, “Are we really who we think we are”? Or can we conclude that these old beliefs are no longer serving us, and it’s time for us to soften, and to begin to let go, understanding that something more evolved will come to take the place. If we are not careful to be aware, we will fall again into the trap to firmly identify ourselves with our story, our circumstances, our beliefs on what’s possible or not. We will again make the mistake of creating our identity solely based on the circumstances of our divorce, with the sense of repeat failure, or any other dramatically limiting stories we are telling ourselves. So it’s time to break the spell. Statements: "I am not my past" "I am not my stories" "I am not my divorce" "I am not my pain" Everything we live is just an experience. It is not us. And this experience is simply how we have happened to have experienced our life. There is nothing to judge about how life has unfolded for us. There is no one to blame; not even ourselves. So therefore, our experience does not define our identity. Our experience only helps us to uncover who we really are. Every experience is an opportunity to get closer to our true self, identifying our unconscious beliefs, breaking the spells of our childhood, and breaking our past emotional imprints. My experience of life is an opportunity to break free. Deep down we already have everything we need to live fully. The human experience is a way of unravelling ourselves. That begs the question, “If I am not my experiences, who am I really?” I am who I become overcoming my challenges ¨breaking old patterns living my experiences and sharing my truth. I hope you are starting to see how this is a wonderful opportunity to begin to focus on what we really want and to go after it, with an open mind and curiosity. It’s the perfect time not to let our challenges get into the way on how we really want live our life. Isn’t it amazing? You can reinvent yourself day by day. So, Who do you want be? In summary: The experience is just the experience. It doesn’t define who I am. ● Consider that your thoughts create the way you feel. ● Consider that the way you feel create your behavior. ● Consider that your behavior create your experience. ● In order to change my experience, I have to change believing in who I thought I was, and be open to infinite possibilities. What kind of thoughts support the person you want become? Reinventing yourself is about choosing the thoughts that feels right and good for your growth. Choosing the thoughts that feel right in your heart. And it starts now. If you knew you couldn’t fail, Who would you want be? What would your life be like? Take some time to envision it, and see how you feel about it. You may want take some notes here. Do you have a comment, question or an inquiry? What support might you need? I’d love to help you! I get many notes and emails requests and I do read every single email that comes through. To get in touch, please feel free to email me at info@ericbensoussan.ca Without a doubt, divorce makes you feel uncertain. You don’t want to change everything in your life because you spent so many years to building it.
This change makes you feel worry about the future. You are in a place of not really knowing if you are strong enough to go through this experience. Indeed you are. And you will discover your power along the way. Like anything, you must crawl before you walk, and walk before you run. That is the journey. Part of the process of the divorce or break-up, leads us first to a place of being in shock, and in a place of denial. We strongly resist the circumstances of our lives. And the more we resist, the more the pain grows, the more we feel hurt, sad, and lonely, like a never-ending process. We very quickly feel completely overwhelmed by our emotions. Everything is amplified. Believe it or not: You are exactly where you are supposed to be. This is hard to imagine at the beginning, and you may be tempted to think, “If life were fair and if I was indeed worthy of love, how can I possibly begin to believe I am sentenced to feel this level of pain, for a reason!!?” I was there too. Exactly in your shoes. Let’s stretch your mind and let me give you another idea. How about a new perspective that I discovered for myself. So chances are , everything until now has lead you to this moment in your life where everything is falling apart, and you just can’t take it anymore. Please know that this is the exact place where you have no other choice but to trust life and to trust that there is something better. In this state, and as quickly as possible, you will want to choose to surrender yourself. When I first heard this English word “Surrender”, I felt relief without even knowing exactly what it meant at that time. Though a great amount of consideration of this word and its concept I had the sudden overwhelming understanding that I had been in resistance about everything in the past so far in my life, and was trying to force things to happen even though I realized I had no real control of anything. So I hit the ground on my knees, and having given up control entirely, I was asking for help, praying to The Universe (you can call it Love, Intuition, God, Nature or anything else that feels right for you): “Please help me to find courage, strength, and hope!” One thing I knew so clearly at this point; I wasn’t sure anymore about anything in life. That was the beginning of my surrendering process. Lost and humble I started to breathe with intent and listen to meditations for 20 minutes every morning and every night, to get myself in a place of calmness and surrender, and connectedness believing that there was a higher power that would help me soon. It was a great way to take care of myself, and to be in action. That was one of the greatest blessings I experienced, and one of the most powerful catalysts I have ever felt in the journey of healing and becoming strong again. Surrendering made me feel immediate relief. I could focus on getting better and not blaming myself anymore. As an added miracle to this process of Surrendering, I started to attract things that would made me feel better, such as: the right book to read, connecting with someone on social media that would share just exactly the right words or sentiment I needed to hear, or discovering an inspirational movie, or meeting someone who really touched and inspired me. In the decision to surrender it truly felt like the Universe was guiding me to the right places, the right moment, and so on. I learnt that Miracles happen when we shift our perspective. In fact, a miracle is just a change in perspective. What a great concept to integrate. It has been a constant reminder for my life. I believe the process of surrendering cannot be taught, you can only experience it by putting your faith in a higher power, whatever is you think the Higher power is, based on in regards to your personal belief or faith. Call it Your Inner Intuition, God, The Universe, Spiritual Energy, Love, Gaia, Nature, humanity, etc. Whatever concept fits for you. And then you will feel the shift, the connection, and the guidance you are looking for will come. This concept is a very real and very powerful one and can also work for you to bring about transformation and change. Though do be sure not to have any expectations on how the guidance and transformation will show up. Our experience is unique. I like to think that the experience we most need will show up in the perfect way and in our best interest for healing. Surrendering is giving up on your former belief system, giving up on any negative thoughts, giving up on how everything you think should be, giving up on you trying to control, and giving up on what you think is impossible. It is giving up on you being right or wrong, is giving up on your deepest fears. Surrendering is also giving up on any meaning you intend to create about your life’s experience. Surrendering is one of the most powerful gifts you can offer yourself. Go ahead and find your own experience of surrendering. Take a few moments to integrate that concept. What would your life be about if you stopped trying to control everything? What would your life be like if you knew that everything happens for your own best interest? What do you need right now to feel relief? What other thoughts would support the idea of you surrendering? Those questions are seeds you plant in your subconscious. Whether you find the answers or not, it doesn’t really matter. What matters the most is to change the dialog you are having with yourself. You will find your own powerful questions, and your own powerful answers in the right timing. Do you have a comment, question or an inquiry? What support might you need? I’d love to help you! I get many notes and emails requests and I do read every single email that comes through. To get in touch, please feel free to email me at info@ericbensoussan.ca I was very touched by a blog post I read recently. Amy is going through a divorce. She is courageous enough to express with authenticity her journey. Whatever her process thinking is, she owns it with responsibility without blaming anyone else. She knows she has to heal the wound that causes the Guilt. Guilt is part of the Divorce process. We can feel guilty for everything, as we judge ourselves constantly. Feeling guilty is part of the healing process. Don't make it mean anything. Feel the guilt without any resistance and let it go. Eric Bensoussan
"Two days ago I told my ex that I wished our children had never been born. And in that moment, I meant it. Let me be very clear – I LOVE MY CHILDREN. They are amazing; kind, smart, loving, and a pain in the ass when they want to be. I grew them for fuck’s sake! I adore them. I really do. But sometimes, there is a resentment and a confusion around parenting that creeps in, and the guilt that goes along with this is nothing short of horrific. So, in that awful moment, as I sobbed my way to work, I was thinking that maybe my life would be somehow easier without them. Erase the children, erase the guilt. Wishing my children would disappear is a selfish thought born of denial and insecurity. It’s me, projecting my sense of self-worth onto 2 people who didn’t do a damn thing to deserve this. This divorce, this hurt, this major shit-show of a broken childhood. Any of it.(It’s not my fault, it’s not my fault, it’s not my fault). I know that I feel this way at times because of the single hardest thing for me to deal with as far as this divorce and my ‘new trajectory‘ goes, is the bone-deep guilt I feel over breaking my kids’ hearts. I do not know how to settle this within myself. Sure, I see them, and they are happy and thriving. They are still their silly selves and the acute trauma from last fall after their dad left has eased. But my guilt remains; steadfast, not budging, in my heart and in my gut. It makes me feel physically ill. All I EVER WANTED was an intact family. I never had that as a child. And now my kids won’t have that either. My inner 9-year-old is hurting badly. Again. It’s grief. I am grieving as a wife, as a mother, and as a little girl who thought she had the life she always wanted. Jesus. That is a lot. No wonder this is lingering. When they are with me, there is a constant unspoken reminder of a missing piece. I feel off-balance, off-kilter, and longing for the family unit that we once were. I struggle to be present with them because they are a constant reminder of my own shit. My hurt, my loss, my guilt, my confusion. When they aren’t with me, I can ignore that. Do my own very, single thing. I am redefining my life. I am rediscovering who I am. I am trying to rebuild myself outside of my role as a mother. I got swallowed alive by that role. And I harbor resentment toward my kids because of that. Again, not their fault. When I feel as though I wish that they had never been born, I am also struggling with this fear that no one will love me if I have 2 nearly grown kids. We are a package deal and that is not for everyone. I am responsible for 2 human beings aside from myself. Who wants to take that on? Sometimes I can barely take care of myself. If they didn’t exist, I could feel my feelings and my hurt and my upset whenever I wanted to; whenever I needed to. When I have them, if I am struggling emotionally, I have to push my feelings down as I don’t want them to worry about their mom. I have a ‘game face’ – everything is sunshine and happiness when they are with me and sometimes I just don’t have the energy to sustain that. Do I show my emotions to them? Of course, I do! I just can’t share the depth of those emotions during the times when the hurt and the fear and the ache is so primal it brings me to my knees. No one sees that. That is mine and mine alone. Okay, enough of this shit. I want to tell you about my kids. Sam is 9. He struggles with anxiety and his own sense of self-worth. He is an amazingly smart kid and loves with a sensible caution. He is an introvert and a highly sensitive person. He loves bugs, Pokemon, reading, and his family. His laugh is infectious and when he gets going, we are usually laughing at him laughing than whatever made us laugh in the first place. He doesn’t like to cry and he has a hard time feeling his feelings. I worry about him. A lot. He looks just like his dad. Ellie is 7 (soon to be 8). She is an empath and has a huge heart. I am constantly amazed at the depth and clarity with which she is able to express herself. She is a smart, kind, quiet, child. She loves with a reckless abandon and has a dry wit and silly sense of humor. She is a fierce friend and hero-worships her older brother but also stands up to him with a newfound confidence I am thrilled to see. She looks a lot like me. I cannot imagine my life without them. Their love, their hugs, their laughter and their tears.I own this resentment and this guilt, hurt, heartache, and confusion. It is mine and mine alone. And I will beat it just as I have beat the other shit that comes up. One day at a time. The Guilt Of Divorce. " Do you have a comment, question or an inquiry? What support might you need? I’d love to help you! I get many notes and emails requests and I do read every single email that comes through. To get in touch, please feel free to email me at info@ericbensoussan.ca |
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